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Molly Henderson
Molly Henderson

3.8K Followers

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Published in Slackjaw

·Apr 14, 2022

We’re Offsetting Our Coal-Burning Factory Emissions By Watering Your Mom’s Gardenias For A Weekend

Hi. I’m Larbo Dax, CEO of Coal-Source Plaztix, and climate change is happening — I’m brave enough to admit that. We’ve all felt it: You’re out on the back nine hitting a few rounds when all of a sudden you smell something burning, and at first you think you’re finally…

Satire

4 min read

We’re Offsetting Our Coal-Burning Factory Emissions By Watering Your Mom’s Gardenias For A Weekend
We’re Offsetting Our Coal-Burning Factory Emissions By Watering Your Mom’s Gardenias For A Weekend
Satire

4 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Mar 23, 2022

I Shredded So Hard I Ripped Through The Fabric Of Spacetime

It was a pow day that began like any other — with me and my buddy Trav hammering tallboys of session IPA on the gondie and crushing our empties on the backs of each other’s helmets. The mountains were looking tight as fuck and the sky was like a giant…

Sports

5 min read

I Shredded So Hard I Ripped Through the Fabric of Spacetime
I Shredded So Hard I Ripped Through the Fabric of Spacetime
Sports

5 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Feb 8, 2022

I’m iCloud’s “Featured Photos,” Just Poppin’ Up Again To Break Your Little Heart

Hey, looks like you’re having a pretty good day! I’m so happy for you. Here’s a photo of your dead dog. — Hey, looks like you’re having a pretty good day! I’m so happy for you. Here’s a photo of your dead dog. It’s me again, iCloud’s “Featured Photos” — you know, that delightful little bit of Apple software that shows you random photos from your irretrievable past, like this one of…

Humor

3 min read

I’m iCloud’s “Featured Photos,” Just Poppin’ Up Again To Break Your Little Heart
I’m iCloud’s “Featured Photos,” Just Poppin’ Up Again To Break Your Little Heart
Humor

3 min read


Dec 28, 2021

Why I Didn’t Write This Year

I didn’t write much in 2021. Every time I sat down to do it, which wasn’t very often, I froze up for fear of communicating the wrong thing, in the wrong way. At least, that’s what I’m going with. I think I romanticize the reasons I don’t do things, just…

Writing

3 min read

Why I Didn’t Write This Year
Why I Didn’t Write This Year
Writing

3 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Apr 7, 2021

Excerpts From My “Spy Kids” Fan Fiction

Long live the Thumb Thumbs. — Author’s note: I’ve been receiving lots of mail from readers asking when the Spy Kids are going to appear in my Spy Kids fan fiction. My answer to this inane query is never. …

Humor

4 min read

Excerpts From My Spy Kids Fan Fiction
Excerpts From My Spy Kids Fan Fiction
Humor

4 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Mar 5, 2021

The Five Twerpiest Kids I Dunked On During Recent Quarantine Walks

Every Saturday Peaboy is out at the end of his drive, trying and failing to leverage his shrimpy little arms to shoot hoops. — #5 Peaboy Peaboy is my next-door neighbor and a Grade-A twerp-bag. He has a tiny little shriveled-up face like a pea. I think he’s like seven years old or something really lame like that. Grow up, Peaboy. Every Saturday he’s out at the end of his drive, trying and failing to leverage…

Humor

4 min read

The Five Twerpiest Kids I Dunked On During Recent Quarantine Walks
The Five Twerpiest Kids I Dunked On During Recent Quarantine Walks
Humor

4 min read


Published in The Belladonna Comedy

·Feb 23, 2021

A Selection of Heart Metaphors From My Romance Novel

Darlington’s heart stopped, spun around on one foot, clapped its hands thrice in the air, and declared: “Dios mio.” — Lutetia had to admit it: Darlington intrigued her. Sometimes she caught herself daydreaming of his diamond nose stud or his mysterious limp, and her heart would begin a firm, polite knock, like a guest requesting access to a cocktail party. Then the knock would increase in speed and intensity until…

Humor

3 min read

A Selection of Heart Metaphors From My Romance Novel
A Selection of Heart Metaphors From My Romance Novel
Humor

3 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Jan 18, 2021

My Bass Pro Snapbacks, Ranked

Last time I had the Traveling Chapeau I wore it hunting with Mayhem Mark, and he shot nothing, and I shot fourteen moose. — #8 Gatortron I was hunting gators down in Tallahassee last summer when I came across this pink sequined Bass Pro snapback at an antiques roadshow. It was just sitting there, right on top of the antiques show owner’s head. I pointed at it and said: “How much for the cap on that…

Satire

4 min read

My Bass Pro Snapbacks, Ranked
My Bass Pro Snapbacks, Ranked
Satire

4 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Nov 3, 2020

Pick-Up Lines For 2020

Call me the Dow Jones industrial average when trading opened on March 9th, because I’m falling hard for you. — Are you a global pandemic? Because you’re making me want to change all my plans. Call me the Dow Jones industrial average when trading opened on March 9th, because I’m falling hard for you. Me without you is like a conversation in April 2020 without one party sarcastically quipping, “Oh…

Humor

2 min read

Pick-Up Lines For 2020
Pick-Up Lines For 2020
Humor

2 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Sep 22, 2020

I Am A Walking Fall Cliché

Christ, dude, strip my lungs raw and bread ’em with pumpkin crumbs. — I can’t help it: every time fall rolls back around, I can only speak in clichés. …

Humor

3 min read

I Am A Walking Fall Cliché
I Am A Walking Fall Cliché
Humor

3 min read

Molly Henderson

Molly Henderson

3.8K Followers

humor writer, editor, tinker, tailor, solider, spy. more at: mollyhenderson.ca

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