It was a pow day that began like any other — with me and my buddy Trav hammering tallboys of session IPA on the gondie and crushing our empties on the backs of each other’s helmets. The mountains were looking tight as fuck and the sky was like a giant…

Hey, looks like you’re having a pretty good day! I’m so happy for you. Here’s a photo of your dead dog. — Hey, looks like you’re having a pretty good day! I’m so happy for you. Here’s a photo of your dead dog. It’s me again, iCloud’s “Featured Photos” — you know, that delightful little bit of Apple software that shows you random photos from your irretrievable past, like this one of…

I didn’t write much in 2021. Every time I sat down to do it, which wasn’t very often, I froze up for fear of communicating the wrong thing, in the wrong way. At least, that’s what I’m going with. I think I romanticize the reasons I don’t do things, just…

Long live the Thumb Thumbs. — Author’s note: I’ve been receiving lots of mail from readers asking when the Spy Kids are going to appear in my Spy Kids fan fiction. My answer to this inane query is never. …

Every Saturday Peaboy is out at the end of his drive, trying and failing to leverage his shrimpy little arms to shoot hoops. — #5 Peaboy Peaboy is my next-door neighbor and a Grade-A twerp-bag. He has a tiny little shriveled-up face like a pea. I think he’s like seven years old or something really lame like that. Grow up, Peaboy. Every Saturday he’s out at the end of his drive, trying and failing to leverage…

Darlington’s heart stopped, spun around on one foot, clapped its hands thrice in the air, and declared: “Dios mio.” — Lutetia had to admit it: Darlington intrigued her. Sometimes she caught herself daydreaming of his diamond nose stud or his mysterious limp, and her heart would begin a firm, polite knock, like a guest requesting access to a cocktail party. Then the knock would increase in speed and intensity until…

Last time I had the Traveling Chapeau I wore it hunting with Mayhem Mark, and he shot nothing, and I shot fourteen moose. — #8 Gatortron I was hunting gators down in Tallahassee last summer when I came across this pink sequined Bass Pro snapback at an antiques roadshow. It was just sitting there, right on top of the antiques show owner’s head. I pointed at it and said: “How much for the cap on that…

Call me the Dow Jones industrial average when trading opened on March 9th, because I’m falling hard for you. — Are you a global pandemic? Because you’re making me want to change all my plans. Call me the Dow Jones industrial average when trading opened on March 9th, because I’m falling hard for you. Me without you is like a conversation in April 2020 without one party sarcastically quipping, “Oh…

Christ, dude, strip my lungs raw and bread ’em with pumpkin crumbs. — I can’t help it: every time fall rolls back around, I can only speak in clichés. …